Bristling (Un)Certainty

BF: Hey, can we go to Shoppers?
Me: Sure
BF: I need to buy a toothbrush and some deodorant and leave them at your house.
Me: Ok
BF: I am tired of bringing them over all the time.
Me: Mm-hm.
BF: Does that freak you out?
Me: No.
BF: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.

For the first time in 10 years, there is a 2nd toothbrush in my toothbrush holder that does not belong a) to me b) to visitors or c) to a friend who was too drunk to drive home.

It is green and looks very majestic...almost regal, all hanging out by my purple one. As if to announce: everything as you know it is about to change.

As if to say, I'm not going anywhere. So get used to me.

What is it about toothbrushes? How can that seemingly ordinary and mundane thing suddenly become simultaneously so LOUD and so damn INTIMATE?

I feel like I am announcing: MY BOYFRIEND STAYS OVER OFTEN ENOUGH THAT IT WARRANTS LEAVING STUFF BEHIND. It still catches me off guard. It's been there for about 3 days now and I am still taken aback every time I see it. I still do a double-take.

That doesn't belong there.

Except that wait. Yes it does. It does.

And even more fascinating to me: it doesn't scare me. No, no. On the contrary, it fills me with a great and overwhelming sense of security. And maybe that's what scares me a little. Who knew that stability could be so sexy?! (Ah right: everyone but me.)

People may look into crystal balls to tell the future. I look towards the green toothbrush. I say, change is in the bristles.

Life

Oh. Blogs are so persistent with their time and date stamps, reminding you how long it’s been since you’ve written. They’re worse than a nagging mother. And since you are only ever as good as your last blog post, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and keep on writing.

But here's the thing about blogging: you're not always ready to share the juiciest material. Because that requires forethought, and perspective, and analyzing and fall-out. And sometimes...that's just too much.

So I have been silent, despite having so much to write about. So much is happening. So much writing, so much planning, so much loving. So much sadness.

I see struggle around me everywhere I go. What is a recession? A recession is unemployment. It is hardship. Everyone around me is struggling. Relationships are ending, houses are burning down, parents are dying, fathers are leaving.

Last week, my dad watered the flowers with gasoline. Memories are fading; hearts are breaking; dynamics are shifting.

Money is tight. Everywhere, it is suffocating and strangling and causing worry.

But there is goodness too.

There are books successfully written and illustrated and sent to production.
There is laughter
and work
and strengthened friendships.
There is love.
There is creativity.
There is beer.
There is sunshine
and text messages that make me soar.
There is hope.
There are butterflies.
There is Africa.
There are surprises.
There is a new roommate.
There are hip-hop toga parties and NBA Play-off games.
There is a man on my couch
and an extra toothbrush by my sink.

There is a benevolent Universe.

There are changes.
Welcome, welcome changes.
And most of all, there is gratitude.