Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

So I'm movin' out...handed in my notice...still haven't found a place to go yet, not for there being a shortage of places to live, but because I don't want to compromise. I'm sure there's a lesson here, and I thought I was listening and learning, but now I'm not so sure.

Let me back up.

My decision to move was instantaneous. A lightning bolt of clarity. It is the right choice.

I want to own my own home. I have never really wanted to own my home in the past. It's a whole new idea for me. Suddenly, I want it, intensely, deeply and genuinely. So I am going to go for it. I thought home ownership was something other people did. Never really understood the appeal. I always enjoyed the freedom and the lack of responsibility renting afforded me. I fancied myself this free-spirit, able to pick up at a moment's notice and chauncy off to some exotic destination. Which is all fine and well until the thought started occurring to me that I can still chauncy off at a moment's notice and be a free spirit AND own a home. My big lesson of 2010 so far has been that it doesn't have to be either/or, it can be both/and.

Both. And.

For a former chronic All-or-nothing/Black-or-white girl; a girl who spent a great number of years living and dying in painful absolutes, Both/And is a glorious, freeing revelation. Both.And.

My plan - move to a place that is half of 1/3 of what I'm paying right now, put that money towards debt repayment and save for a downpayment.

Great idea.

Reality - I live in one of the hottest housing markets in the country.

So I kept increasing my budget, slowly, incrementally...until today I found myself applying for a place that is nice, but more than I want to pay. It's a great deal, there are a lot of good things about it, but my heart's just simply not in it. Because the truth is I already have nice. I have lovely, beautiful, condo of my dreams. If I'm going to trade nice for less nice, if I'm going to leave it all, it's going to be for some greater end. I am going to stand up and say 'I deserve this for myself.' And suffering is optional.

My heart's not in it because it's not what I really want. What I want is to pay less, yes. But I also want a little less responsibility. I want some company, good laughs, easy living. And I want to save like a madwoman. I want to be a debt-free, home-ownin' woman.

So I'm going to move towards that; I'm going to play to win instead of play not to lose.

And one thing I've learned for sure - whatever I dream for myself, whatever I ask the Universe for is always delivered, bigger, better, more delicious than I ever could have imagined for myself. So I choose to have it all. I choose.

I choose to remain undaunted. Because I have a new found belief that has been serving me quite well lately that I can have it all. It is possible to find a great place to live for $400 a month, yes it is. And enjoy my living situation to boot.

Both. And.

Post-birthday Detox

After my birthday, I decided to take a little break from all the boozin'. Two weeks have passed and it has been an interesting experiment to say the least.

Interesting because I haven't been the slightest bit interested in drinking, not even tempted. Tis the Season for birthday parties and BBQs and decks in the sunshine. Not tempted by Cosmos at the Sex and the City premier, not tempted at my weekly writer's club which really - has just been a good excuse to drink on a Wednesday night. Huh! What has been surprising is that a whole lot of crazy emotions have been coming up. Mostly loneliness. And it's interesting to realize what a salve the alcohol has been. A mask, really. A way to not deal with whatever's going on. Which of course is no news flash. It's hardly breaking news; I just didn't realize to what extent I used it to distance myself from my feelings.

Another great thing - I have been having just as much fun sober. And more importantly, I'm just as funny.

Other perks:

-no more pesky hangovers. Entire days are no longer maligned by dehydration and lack of anti-inflammatories in the house.

-more money in the wallet

-I can leave a party whenever I want and drive home without worry

Hm.

And really what I've realized is that what needed the most detoxifying was the unhealthy relationship. Not being attached to having to have the alcohol? And not even realizing that there was an attachment in the first place? Double huh!

One thing is for sure - a higher version of myself has been tryin to emerge these past few month, nay years. And as long as I'm drinking, it's a way of stifling down the creativity.

Don't know where this is going - or for how long- but all I have to say is a big, fat, giant HUH! I am tickled that, at 35, I can continue to surprise myself.

It feels good.

Who knows what's next - maybe a colon cleanse?