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Don't understand what this means? I do--It means 'haha, you're fucked. And maybe next time you'll think twice about dissing God.'

Call it Eliot's revenge.

99 Barfy Balloons

Oh, I can feel some hate mail coming on.

I think we’ve already established that I have a shriveled, black heart, so let’s just get this over with:

Watch Eliot's Video here.

B-A-R-F. Was I the only one gagging and rolling my eyes during this video?

“In the midst of heartbreaking tragedy, the Mooney family found the presence of God strengthening, comforting, and guiding them. Their story reminds us to seek God and endure our struggles rather than blame Him for our hardships.”

Really?! I think it reminds us to run for the hills!

This is emotional manipulation at its finest, Ladies & Gentlemen! You can practically sniff the Christian hound dogs a mile away. Rather than finding it a tear-jerking pull-at-the-heart strings inspirational video, it came across to me as a manipulative, self-righteous Christian advertisement. It was as bad as watching an episode of Extreme Makeover, Home Edition.

Me and God, we may not be that tight, but I'm pretty sure that in His world, there isn't this much fear-mongering going on. And no, I'm not talking about the parents. I'm not talking about Eliot. I'm not saying that it isn't a touching story. I am talking about the context under which the story is presented.

The story of their son is inspiration enough in and of itself, so is it necessary to get that preachy about it? And the whole "God-Gives,God-Takes-Away bit. Uh??? Hello, Fire and Brimstone much?

I don’t like being told how I should feel about something.

We already all know I’m going to Hell. So let’s just add this video to the “Sappy Things I Hate” list along with Babe and Simon Birch and call it a day.

Dating 101

Memorandum To All Single Men Looking For Love:

Yo, buddy. If you are out on a first date with a woman and you’re trying to impress her, here’s a pointer: PAY FOR HER MEAL.

Show a little class, gentlemen. Please.

It is 2008. Yes, women are now liberated. Sure, we are independent. Of course, we can pay our own way. But we are on a date to see if we can build a life with you. We are not all gold-diggers. If we’re out there, it’s because we are looking for a man with confidence who can show us that he can take care of us. If you have neither the means, the inclination or frankly, the manners to do so, then you are wasting our time.

I spent many years in turmoil about this very issue. I used to get insulted when a man tried to buy me a drink, a meal, a movie, an anything…because I thought it meant that there was a certain expectation attached to whatever it was he was buying me.

Now that I'm over thirty, I realize that's bullshit.

No matter how freethinking, enlightened and open-minded the modern-day woman is, this is what it boils down to: She is on a date with you looking for safety and security from a possible future life partner. What she is most definitely *not* looking for, is to go dutch with you. We have friends for that.

I work two jobs and am in the middle of writing a book. There are close friends of mine whom I have not seen in weeks. If I am going to make time to go on a first date, it had damn well better be worth my while. The truth is, if I was going to pay for my own lunch, I would rather have gone out with one of my girlfriends and had a good time instead of feeling like I was sitting through a painful, dead-end job interview.

It's an hour-and-a-half of my life I'm never going to get back. I mean, I could have been in the library doing research.

And let’s be clear here, folks. I had a salad and a glass of water for lunch. Our entire bill came to $27.00. We each paid fifteen. I did not break the bank with extravagant lobster and a never-ending line of Cosmos. Salad and water.

Men, if this is a murky area for you and you’re not sure what to do, err on the side of caution. Pay the whole damn bill. Or at least offer to. If your date isn’t comfortable with you doing so, she’ll let you know. And contrary to whatever you’re thinking, women are not just going out with you for a free meal. If you don’t want to pay or can’t afford to, then come up with some lovely original date idea that will cost nothing. There are plenty of walks in the park and summer festivals to be had where you can gauge where the girl is at before deciding whether or not she’s worth shelling out the $15.00 for.

And as one of my friends says : "Abort! Abort!! No good ever comes from having to pay for your own ANYTHING on a first date!!!”

Amen, sista.

And don't get me wrong, if the fellah had talked about something other than a) Jr. High School b) Internet dating c) Synagogue, I wouldn't have minded shelling out for my own meal. But man, if you are unwilling or unable to pay for my meal, that is a DEAL.BREAKER. I am going to be gone faster than you can say ‘cheque, please.’

Condo Boards, Who Needs 'Em?

Also available on the Calgary Herald Q

Are you a control freak? Do you have a severe lack of love in your life and feel the need to dominate over others by exercising what little power you may have accidentally been awarded? Then by all means, why don’t you get yourself elected to a Condo Board.

I am a renter. I have been a renter all of my adult life. I used to be ashamed of this, but got over it once I saw the ridiculous Calgary house prices and decided to spend the interest which I would have been paying to a bank on summer vacations in Central America and South East Asia. Besides, I am going to die young or marry rich, so why own? It’s all going to work out.

I have been living in a condo for the past two years and—for the most part—loving it. It’s a great place, quiet, large, fabulous, and stumbling distance from everything on 17 Ave. One problem: it is run by militant robots. Said militants have nothing better to do but patrol the underground parking lot all day and figure out who is abusing the use of the Visitor Parking by-laws by *gasp* having their visitors park there.

Yep. I have visitors who are not allowed to park in visitor parking. Our request was denied by the Board, with no reason given.

My issue is less with the by-laws they have put in place as the way in which said by-laws are enforced. The Board hides behind its ‘security’ reason and its ‘space’ reason, although we have 11 or 12 visitor parking stalls which are *always* empty. I wonder why. Yes, people used to abuse the visitor parking and park their second vehicles there; yes, people used to rent out the stall to downtown commuters and make a profit; yes each visitor vehicle should be registered with the Condo Board to prevent abuse.

But shouldn’t each visitor be evaluated on a case by case basis? If the Board has been made aware of the make, model and license plate number of a vehicle and told the exact dates in which the vehicle will be there, by a paying tenant, shouldn’t they approve it outright? Well, the reasonable answer of course, is yes. Except that Condo Boards are not comprised of reasonable people. In fact, Hitler called and he would like control of the world back.

And think you have any rights as a renter? Think again. Not only will the Board not give me valid reason why our visitors are not allowed to park IN THE VISITOR PARKING—they won’t even speak to us because we are lowly renters and as such, should not even be allowed to breathe the same air, let alone carry on a civilized conversation. And any communication I have had with the Condo management company has been rude, disrespectful and brusque.

The people who run the condo boards are the same people who are jerks to waiters in restaurants and treat custodians like they are doing them a favour by creating garbage for them to pick up. Of course, I am sure that there are reasonable people out there who are members of Condo boards, I just don’t happen to live in one with any of them.

One thing I’ve learned in the two years that I’ve been a renter in a condo: It really pisses the owners off that any old riff-raff with enough money to pay rent can occupy the exact same space without paying the crippling mortgage. God, it angers the hell out of them.

Of course, I was told by the Condo management company today—because of course no one on the board will deign speak with me—that if I was unhappy with the condo board policies, I am free to rent elsewhere. Because that’s such a practical alternative. And were it not so spacious, so air-conditioned and so close to the heart of the city, I probably would move, but I rather think it will piss them off more if I stick around.

So if you want to come and visit me, feel free. But you had better come on foot or the boogeyman will jump out from behind the garage door and eat you.

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