Tiny, Quiet Revolution

So here I am...5 days in to a new place of being. Exploring something I am completely shocked to find myself exploring. Uncharted parts of me. Shocked and delighted to find myself here.

10 days ago I agreed to do a cleanse for a friend of mine who is launching a new business. I am so fond of her and wanted to support this leap of faith she is taking. Sure, I can do a cleanse for 3 days. To support Neelam.

No big deal.

But the result for me has been monumental. Three days drinking juice has shifted something in me at my very core. Not only was I not hungry, I had no cravings. So different from my past experiences with weight, feeling deprived, wanting to eat everything in sight, using food to slather on my broken heart, my fractured nerves, my unmet needs. Needing it to nurture and protect me. Looking for all the answers at the bottom of my hot fudge sundae. And living with the hatred of the extra 30, then 40, then 50, then 60 pounds. Carrying it around as punishment, as an outward expression of all that I truly believed about myself.

Feeling so lost and desolate in my weight loss journey because I had been to hell and back, done it all, seen it all, heard it all, tried it all and just ending up somewhere broken and wretched and lost. Not knowing if I could or even wanted to find my way back.

And trying to live in acceptance.

Trying so hard.

But it's hard to hear what my body really wants when it was muffled and stifled by all those chocolate chip cookies.

~~

I met with Neelam months and months and months ago. She's a nutritionist who helps women release weight through proper nutrition and custom meal plans.

It was too much for me. The journey she was proposing I embark on was too much for me. I couldn't face it. I couldn't face starting from scratch and doing it all over again. I couldn't punish, torture and hate myself thin again for all the Blizzards in Dairy Queen. Couldn't do it. Couldn't even think about doing it. Nope, nope, nope. I needed to find my way back. I needed to find the start line and then decide if I even wanted to get there. And mostly I didn't.

Until this 3-day cleanse came along.

Can I face all the mechanics and work involved in losing 30 or 40 or 50 pounds? No. Can I drink fresh-made, all natural juices delivered to my door every day.

Ya, I can do that.

So I started this totally harmless thing and it turned into this REALLY BIG THING! Because, that's it, that's it, that's it. That's my START! I started! No over-analyzing, no overwhelm, no mechanics, no fucking 'weight loss plan', just a start, an opportunity, a new chance at feeling better.

A start. That's all I needed, Neelam. A start. A chance. A new beginning to a desperately and deeply unsettling problem. And isn't that what it's all about?? Isn't this the crux of humanity? Isn't the core of any good friendship, relationship - or business for that matter - about having someone stand at the mouth of a whatever dark cave you're stuck in waving their flashlight, calling your name and showing you the way out.

3 Days Without Food

What did I learn?

Well, for starters, as a society we are overfed. As an individual, I am overfed and I overeat. 2) While I eat fairly well, and mostly whole foods, what I do eat is all animal protein and dairy. Dairy, dairy.

So 3 days on a juice cleanse and despite the searing headaches (caffeine and sugar withdrawls) it wasn't so bad. Partly because I sequestered myself in a Retreat of my own making rebooting and refreshing.

It was an eye-opening experience. Watching how I function and think and feel when food is not part of my existence. What am I doing if not planning a meal, eating, or thinking about eating or thinking about planning a meal?

I am being.

And tomorrow the reintegration back to solid foods begins. I have stocked up on my fresh fruit and veggies. Oh, that pineapple looks so succulent. Am I going to return to my old ways? Who knows. This has been what I hoped - a reset button, a pattern interrupt. It has gotten me consciously eating, consciously focusing on what I'm putting in my mouth and why.

And the bottom line: don't I deserve that 100% of the time? Not just for 3 days once every 10 years?

The most interesting thing to me was that I wasn't hungry. I didn't have crazy cravings. Because it was done properly. Not eating, not hungry, not wanting to eat. Not using food to feed me emotionally.

I am proud of myself. It feels good to have made a commitment to myself and kept it. No cheating. What do I do when no one is looking? I honour my agreements with myself.

And that is the best part.

To learn more about the cleanse I did, visit My Fresh Cleanse.

Here's the thing about food...

It let's us convince convince ourselves things are ok for far too long.

Take away the numbing effect, the ability to check out, to lose ourselves in the food and pretend that we don't in fact need to lose that 40 lbs, or talk to the friend whose relationship has been fractured ever since she lent you that money 4 months ago, even though you paid her back.

So take away the food and the ability to bolt from your very own life, and you find yourself (after the headaches, the coffee withdrawls, the temper tantrums) back at the centre of yourself.

Which is really fucking scary, btw.

And really fucking awesome.

Juicy, juicy

I'm starting a 3-day cleanse today.

No caffeine, no sugar. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it the 3 days without slipping. All the ways that I break agreements with myself and don't show up for myself. So I wanna do this. The right way.

I'm putting my order in to make it EASY. To do it properly and not cheat myself.

I'm committing to only eating what's allowed for the next 3 days. And then I'm posting it on my blog so that I can't worm my way out of it. What if I just made this promise to myself? It's just you and me, kid. No one else is watching. I know. I'm important. I'm worth it.

Let's do it. It's going to be awesome.

Renewal

So happy. So happy I can't contain, spilling out of me like mad, rushing water. So grateful, not wanting it to stop, letting it flow, loving every minute of it. Loving the new, the unknown, the chaos, the disorder, the certainty, the vision, the calling-me-on-my-shit.

Loving rekindling, loving connection, loving centre, loving home, loving colour, loving sex, loving love, loving detachment, loving method. Loving paint. Loving a different way of doing things, loving the sunshine, loving being open, loving appreciation, loving good conversation. Loving difference, loving respect, loving old movies watched from new eyes. Loving listening.

Respecting differences, and standing my ground, and opening up the cavernous, vast expanses of my fear and my heart and my vulnerability.

Loving every minute of it.

Loving money, and clients, and abundance, and juice, and coffee, and newness. Loving wind and cold and someone else driving. Loving space, loving closeness. Loving acceptance.

Loving ME. Here. now. Being fully present. Not bolting.