So Ticked Off

I sat in silence today. For a really long time. Silence and darkness. It was a freezing 9 degrees and rainy with dark and ominous hail clouds. Very fitting to my mood.

I did something I never do. I took care of myself. I gave myself what I really needed: I nurtured my heart.

I bundled up in the middle of the day, closed the blinds, shut off the lights and sat. And did nothing but feel what I was feeling. Just let myself be where I was at.

Where I was at was angry. Angry and furious. Seething. So angry I could barely see straight.

I usually try and bypass this anger by ‘getting to the bottom’ of what’s really going on.

Fuck that. Today I gave myself permission to be mad as hell.

And from that, I burst into tears. And I cried. All by myself there in the dark.
And 35 minutes later, I got up, dusted myself off, opened the blinds and got on with my life.

I’m listening though. It opened the communication between me and my heart. It is hurting.

I asked it, ‘what are you sad about?’ and then I listened to the answer.

And I nodded my head. I understand.

I treated my heart like a friend today.

Instead of trying to boss it around and control it, I listened.

And I heard.

I know what I want now.

And the anger is gone.

Which makes my path really clear.

And I feel much better.

I would amend this only slightly to say, "I'm going to look back on my life and wonder why I spent so much time looking for love to complete me...

Instead of just living it."

Ohm

Summertime
...And the living is...

Unsettled & discombobulated. I feel like it's got a stranglehold on me.

I'm having a hard time relaxing, hard time enjoying the weather and the company of family and friends.

This is not like me at all. I'm having a hard time being present in the moment and enjoying the time of the person I'm with.

I feel like I should be at home dusting the shelves while I sleep, or writing a book while I convert Windows to Mac.

If I'm out, I feel guilty and want to be at home. When I'm at home, I end up sitting and staring into space. And then feel bad ALWAYS for not maximizing my time.

There are a million things to be done. There are a million things that have already been done. My place is finally liveable after 3 months. I've taken it from a smelly, stinky, neglected hovel to a gorgeous, peaceful home. But there is still a lot to do. Front hall and bedroom have not been painted. And the bedroom needs some TLC.

But meh. It's a rental; I feel like I may have done enough already.

And work. Oy vey. I could work 60 hours a week as the Director of Operations for my main contract client and still have even more work waiting for me the following week. All of my time and energy is being poured into building someone else's business. Gladly, I might add. I love getting a regular paycheque again. I am happy to be paying bills on time, getting out of debt, being able to plan fun stuff and not eating at the Food Bank. It's kind of a bonus.

But then I have my own private clients - who aren't getting my full attention. There's my book which is getting almost none of my attention. And then there is all the rest: writer's Retreats, building client lists, networking, generating leads, following up with leads, spending time with family and friends, relaxing, doing nothing, enjoying summer. It leaves me always feeling like I should be working, even and especially on the weekends, where I could better maximize my time. So when I want to get on a raft and float down the Bow River and soak up some much needed summertime fun and sun, I'm not even enjoying it. There is the underlying guilt.

And then of course I should be at the gym, going for a run, looking for another Bootcamp to sign up for, cooking a nutritious meal and meditating. Yes, I should definitely be meditating. And my gratitude journal. I should be writing in that every night. And reading. It's taking me too long to finish that book. Oh, and the bathroom definitely needs to be cleaned. Right after I finish the laundry and phone about the car insurance. And oh yeah, I need to do my month-end as well.

And then I'm mostly so exhausted from the weight of all that I want to do that I end up taking a nap.

And then how much further behind am I??

I took 2 days off last week because my parents were in town and spent the rest of the week hauling ass to make up for it.

Then there is the wanderlust. Oh the crazy, crazy wanderlust. That has me absolutely GAGGING to get on a plane and plop myself down in a foreign country, lose myself for a couple of weeks in brand new cultural bliss.

I know these are my choices. Just recently, I've been feeling like water down a drain just after the plug has been pulled.

Slices of Beauty

I went for a walk with my business partner yesterday, just a quick 15 minutes to break up our day and stop our eyes from going bug-eyed. And we were talking about things that women talk about on 15-minute walks - life, men, hairdressers and pedicures. And she says to me in passing, very matter-of-factly,

'Well you're just so beautiful overall, Karen. You energy is so good, I wish I had a little more of that.'

And I was so shocked, I didn't even know what to say.

Except, well my goodness, thank you.

I mention it because it is astonishing to me that other people think I'm beautiful. And not only that I'm beautiful but that I have overall beauty.

This isn't something I've ever thought about myself. I believe there are parts of me that are beautiful. There are things I like about myself, but it terms of what my ideal of beauty is, well. I mean I'm no super model.

But then, what is that even? Supermodel? How ridiculous. And antiquated. In fact, I AM a supermodel.

It's gotten me realizing that it's time to question what my ideal of beauty is (which by the way, skinny to me = beautiful) and to just fucking stop the bullshit of not believing this to be true about myself.

It doesn't serve me, and it's certainly not attractive and It's time to see that my value is not judged by the number on the scale, the dress size, the image reflected in the mirror.

So cliche, and boring, and old all this self-esteem nonsense.

Really, I'm ready to grow out of it. And love and embrace my fabulousness. Love myself as much as others do.

Yes, please.