So Ticked Off

I sat in silence today. For a really long time. Silence and darkness. It was a freezing 9 degrees and rainy with dark and ominous hail clouds. Very fitting to my mood.

I did something I never do. I took care of myself. I gave myself what I really needed: I nurtured my heart.

I bundled up in the middle of the day, closed the blinds, shut off the lights and sat. And did nothing but feel what I was feeling. Just let myself be where I was at.

Where I was at was angry. Angry and furious. Seething. So angry I could barely see straight.

I usually try and bypass this anger by ‘getting to the bottom’ of what’s really going on.

Fuck that. Today I gave myself permission to be mad as hell.

And from that, I burst into tears. And I cried. All by myself there in the dark.
And 35 minutes later, I got up, dusted myself off, opened the blinds and got on with my life.

I’m listening though. It opened the communication between me and my heart. It is hurting.

I asked it, ‘what are you sad about?’ and then I listened to the answer.

And I nodded my head. I understand.

I treated my heart like a friend today.

Instead of trying to boss it around and control it, I listened.

And I heard.

I know what I want now.

And the anger is gone.

Which makes my path really clear.

And I feel much better.