The reason it scares me out here so much is because there are no distractions. I haven’t seen or spoken to anyone in 2 full days. It’s like a ghost town. And so the usual things we use in our everyday lives to anesthetize us, which for me are TV, phone, Internet are taken away.

So what’s left?

Solitude.

Deafening silence.

And from there creativity can sprout. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. Except myself.

Nap Time

This has felt like a very indulgent weekend. Sleeping, reading and putting butter on my toast.

It is so peaceful out here that I can’t help but drink in the tranquility. And I didn’t realize how exhausted I was! Looking back I don’t think I’ve spent any length of time relaxing since Christmas, and that was 6 months ago.

Which means that everything around here acts like a narcotic. Any time is nap time out here at The Shack.

The wind rustling through the trees, I’m out.

The sound of the rain on the roof, I’m out.

Reading one page of my book, I’m out.

I’ve been here for 21 hours and almost 12 of that has been spent sleeping. That bed is so comfortable! It took me at least 2 hours to rustle myself out from underneath the cozy, warm, divine duvet this morning.

It’s lovely actually. Waking and rising and not answering to anyone. Hanging out with myself and doing whatever. I’m giving myself permission to enjoy this time, even though I’m not getting as much writing done as I would like. It’s ok. This time will clear space for creativity to rush in. It’s all perfect. And it’ll help me face my stressful, busy, loud and active life a little better when I get home.

For now, it’s nap time.

You know what's awesome?

Not knowing what to get a friend for her birthday, I picked up this book and have come to believe not only is it the perfect birthday gift, it's something everyone should have in their home.

Not only is it hilarious, it highlights all the sweet things in life that we all know but have never put together IN ONE BOOK, like.

It's a quick and easy read. It's a skimmer. Enjoyable.

Even better, it has gotten me thinking of all the awesome things in my life and cataloguing them. Here's my humble contribution:

AWESOME THING #277: FROSTY BEER MUGS. You know when you get back from the liquor store with unrefrigerated beer? Whatarya gonna do? FROSTY MUG.

Awesome!

Bootcamp: Week #4

This has been my toughest week yet. Just trying to get through. Everything has been sucking the life out of me. Work, the things I need to do around this place (yup, still boxes everywhere. What's that about??), books to write, Bootcamps to attend, protein shakes to make...I'm exhausted.



And there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. It's like I open my eyes and it's 8am and the next thing I know, I'm hauling my crippled ass out of the tub at midnight. Freaking pooped. On that note, there's no more messing around with the mini packs of Epsom salts. Nope. Buying them in bulk now.



Four classes left.

No More Excuses

I’ve been talking about writing my dating book for over a year now. The time for talking and Bachelor Auctions and loaning books from the library is over. The time has come. It’s time to get it done.

I'm going back out to my Hideout and into the mouth of the crocodile.

Slogging Through the Deep Snow

This post is from several weeks ago. I've never been quite happy with it. Now it seems a little irrelevant, but still such an important day that I feel I must post it.

~~~

Instead of my usual debauchery for my birthday, this year I decided to mix things up and go on a hike. The way up was fabulous - great conversation, cohesive group, sunshine, goodness. We decided to take a different way down, coming back down the north facing side of the mountain. This meant there was snow. A lot of snow. In some cases, it was as deep as our knees or even our hips is some patches. It was a lot of work, slogging through it.

Our feet got wet, the snow burned my bare skin, I had giant blisters, and I was pissed off. Mad as hell at the snow.

There’s nothing like a birthday to stir up a bunch of trouble.

I was swearing, negotiating, hating, resenting, stomping and trudging my way through the snow; I was asking myself how the hell I got there. I was wanting OUT, wanting to stop right there in the middle of the bush. Wanting a helicopter to swoop in and rescue me. Feeling all Blair Witch. Wondering: is it better or worse to stay here or keep going? Is it too late to turn around? Where is that damn helicopter?

How is that a fucking metaphor for my life??? WAITING TO BE RESCUED.

I wanted to be rescued out of a situation that I totally created, that I chose. And as soon as something I couldn’t control happened, as soon as something I didn’t like or want happened, I bailed. I mean I bailed on myself. And then I wanted someone else to fix it.

And so I’m hating this part of myself. I’m hating that I’m hating it. Hating that I’m ‘shoulding’ all over myself. I should be enjoying this.

And really, all I want to do is get through it. And others saying: what did you expect – we’re in the mountains in May.

And I'm wanting to punch them in the teeth. And I'm wanting permission to just be. Be present, be angry, be pissed off, and get through it on my own. I don’t need placating, I don’t need rescuing, I don’t need cheering up, I don’t need a pat on the shoulder, I don’t need a pep talk, I don’t need condescension or to be patronized. I don’t need a silver lining. I don’t need to BE TOLD HOW TO FEEL.

I need to be left the fuck alone to trudge through this god-damned snow.

And yet is that really how I want to live my life?

Well of course not. I don’t want to be left alone! I want friends there encouraging me, and helping me and supporting me and loving me.

And so the question remains to be seen – why do I turn it away when it is freely given?

Why do I do this to myself?

What is that about?

And what lessons are there for me, in the snow? In the now?

What’s the most beautiful part about that hike? Was it the summit? Was the most difficult the way up? No it wasn’t. The most difficult was the way down. Unexpectedly. It caught me off guard. I couldn’t control it.

So I've been carrying that day around me with, and trying to apply it to other areas of my life, trying to learn to love what I hate. To learn to love myself in those moments. To send myself and the snow and all those deep and nasty and ugly parts of me love, love , love when I need it most.

Surrender, surrender, surrender.

~~~

Some candid pictures were put up after the hike. And they’re not pretty.

What I don’t like about them is how my body looks and how terrible my posture is. I’m slumped down. I’m trying to make myself smaller.

Every cell of my being is screaming, TAKE THOSE FUCKING PICTURES DOWN. HOW DARE YOU, but I know there is value in leaving them, and breathing through it. And accepting and sending love to that woman with the bad posture duking it out with her demons.

Surrender, surrender, surrender.