10 days ago I agreed to do a cleanse for a friend of mine who is launching a new business. I am so fond of her and wanted to support this leap of faith she is taking. Sure, I can do a cleanse for 3 days. To support Neelam.
No big deal.
But the result for me has been monumental. Three days drinking juice has shifted something in me at my very core. Not only was I not hungry, I had no cravings. So different from my past experiences with weight, feeling deprived, wanting to eat everything in sight, using food to slather on my broken heart, my fractured nerves, my unmet needs. Needing it to nurture and protect me. Looking for all the answers at the bottom of my hot fudge sundae. And living with the hatred of the extra 30, then 40, then 50, then 60 pounds. Carrying it around as punishment, as an outward expression of all that I truly believed about myself.
Feeling so lost and desolate in my weight loss journey because I had been to hell and back, done it all, seen it all, heard it all, tried it all and just ending up somewhere broken and wretched and lost. Not knowing if I could or even wanted to find my way back.
And trying to live in acceptance.
Trying so hard.
But it's hard to hear what my body really wants when it was muffled and stifled by all those chocolate chip cookies.
~~
I met with Neelam months and months and months ago. She's a nutritionist who helps women release weight through proper nutrition and custom meal plans.
It was too much for me. The journey she was proposing I embark on was too much for me. I couldn't face it. I couldn't face starting from scratch and doing it all over again. I couldn't punish, torture and hate myself thin again for all the Blizzards in Dairy Queen. Couldn't do it. Couldn't even think about doing it. Nope, nope, nope. I needed to find my way back. I needed to find the start line and then decide if I even wanted to get there. And mostly I didn't.
Until this 3-day cleanse came along.
Can I face all the mechanics and work involved in losing 30 or 40 or 50 pounds? No. Can I drink fresh-made, all natural juices delivered to my door every day.
Ya, I can do that.
So I started this totally harmless thing and it turned into this REALLY BIG THING! Because, that's it, that's it, that's it. That's my START! I started! No over-analyzing, no overwhelm, no mechanics, no fucking 'weight loss plan', just a start, an opportunity, a new chance at feeling better.
A start. That's all I needed, Neelam. A start. A chance. A new beginning to a desperately and deeply unsettling problem. And isn't that what it's all about?? Isn't this the crux of humanity? Isn't the core of any good friendship, relationship - or business for that matter - about having someone stand at the mouth of a whatever dark cave you're stuck in waving their flashlight, calling your name and showing you the way out.
It was too much for me. The journey she was proposing I embark on was too much for me. I couldn't face it. I couldn't face starting from scratch and doing it all over again. I couldn't punish, torture and hate myself thin again for all the Blizzards in Dairy Queen. Couldn't do it. Couldn't even think about doing it. Nope, nope, nope. I needed to find my way back. I needed to find the start line and then decide if I even wanted to get there. And mostly I didn't.
Until this 3-day cleanse came along.
Can I face all the mechanics and work involved in losing 30 or 40 or 50 pounds? No. Can I drink fresh-made, all natural juices delivered to my door every day.
Ya, I can do that.
So I started this totally harmless thing and it turned into this REALLY BIG THING! Because, that's it, that's it, that's it. That's my START! I started! No over-analyzing, no overwhelm, no mechanics, no fucking 'weight loss plan', just a start, an opportunity, a new chance at feeling better.
A start. That's all I needed, Neelam. A start. A chance. A new beginning to a desperately and deeply unsettling problem. And isn't that what it's all about?? Isn't this the crux of humanity? Isn't the core of any good friendship, relationship - or business for that matter - about having someone stand at the mouth of a whatever dark cave you're stuck in waving their flashlight, calling your name and showing you the way out.
1 comment:
Courageous... enjoy the journey lady, you're on your way!
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