Stuff Me Up

It has been a tough Christmas this year. Parents are getting older, dynamics shifting, people growing apart; situations more forced and artificial than they used to be. Many things changing; nothing changing. And me being completely under prepared for it all.

Yes, this time something has been missing. Something has been lacking. And I think it’s the joy and pleasure. It’s also the first time I’ve noticed the emptiness. Was it due to a lack of children? I swear to God, for the first time in my entire life today, I seriously considered the prospect of having a baby. Those of you who know me, will know what a huge revelation that is. It’s all part and parcel of this massive gaping hole that has been in my life the last couple of months. One thing which living with my sister has made glaringly, glaringly obvious to me is how incredibly selfish I am. A decade spent fighting for myself and looking out for myself and no one else has done nothing to improve my compassion or empathy. And growing up in a compassionless house with a mother who showed her love through money or food, I have been horrified lately to realize that I am turning into her more and more every day. But sadly, I am not adopting any of her good qualities (work ethic, generosity, drive) only her bad ones. And that annoying quote of being careful what you wish for has been swirling around in my head for the longest while. Because I have gotten everything I’ve wished for and it has turned out to be as thin and useless as wet paper. There is nothing of substance or value or real weight in my life; nothing which is a testament to me as a person or which showcases my accomplishments or worth or purpose. It just seems all so weak and tenuous and precarious. Maybe I should volunteer. I don’t know, I just need something core-shaking to come along soon, or I am going to end up going out and getting myself knocked up. And I think we all know that that’s not the solution.

I have also realized this year that I really don’t think I’m much of a relationship person anymore. The last seven years of my life, I have been wanting and needing that, thinking it would be the end-all of my life; that I could find happiness if only I could find someone to love me. That my life would start once I snagged me a man! But the older I get, the more men I meet, the more horror stories I hear of the shoddy way we all treat one another, I can’t help but think, why bother? Time and again this year, I have poured my whole self into so many men who don’t deserve it, and been left bruised and battered. Why on Earth would I want to keep putting myself through that? And lately, now that I am having phenomenal sex with a no-strings man, I am happier than ever. Maybe I should become a confirmed bachelorette? Maybe I should run down the street and throw my hat up in the air like Mary Tyler Moore…

Great, now I'm a modern-day Murphy Brown.

So is all this emptiness coming from the lack of relationships in my life? And my solution is too fill it up with no maintenance ones? Hm. And maybe this is all just a knee-jerk reaction to a Christmas which was less than fulfilling. A time spent watching my dad slowly and quietly disappear, a mom lose her zest for life and a brother lose his wife. The title of this blog should be, ‘Love, What Is It Good For?’

Christmas seemed like more of a chore this year; an obligation; something to get through. And the things which I USED to thoroughly enjoy no longer do the trick. Stuffing myself up with mom’s homebaked goods—although delicious—don’t satisfy me in the same way they used to. This is a good thing, of course. But it’s also kind of sad. The end of a long and buttery era. These days I’d honestly rather have a salad! And THAT is progress, my friends. And you know what Bill Heslop says, “You can’t stop prawgress.”

So you know, that’s my little nugget of hope. A place in which to start over again. The New Year is just around the corner. And the great thing about that is that every January first is a Clean Slate. Another chance to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Stuffing yourself up with whatever you need to make it through; stuffing yourself up with bullshit and false bravado until you start to believe it, until you start to make it. Until you stop needing anyone else to do it for you. And THAT is the relationship which needs to be nurtured and tended.

Three cheers for the clean slate, people. Hip, hip hurrah!