I Need A Handle

Okay, so it’s January, which is hands-down, the worst month of the year. I think we can all admit that it sucks. It’s still cold…and dark…and snowy…and you’re broke from all that overspending in December…you’re in detox from lack of alcohol and you’re back taking another crack at your vices, whatever they may be: the gym, the diet, the smoking, the alcohol. So yes, it’s shitty. But no matter how prepared you think you are, January is still a sneaky little cunt. She kinda sidles in behind you when you’re not looking and punches you in the face when you turn around to see where that noise is coming from. Yes, our old friend January has a sneaky left hook.

Unfortunately, knowing all of that doesn’t help at all. Yesterday, my first day back at work after weeks of opulence and embarrassing decadence, wasn’t so bad. And I actually thought “You know, maybe this year, January won’t be such a bad month after all…I’ve still got a little bit of dough, and I’m not that hungry and I feel like going to the gym, so maybe…” Maybe I wasn’t in full-on detox yet. Today hit me like a truck full of hairy ass. UGH! At 10 a.m., the clock seemed to be going b-a-c-kwards….and I was starving…and exhausted! I barely made it to lunch. All this forcing your body back into a routine—regular wake-ups and meal times and gym days—is really a soul-sucking endeavour.

I am facing this year feeling as if I spent all of 2006 going in the wrong direction! And I haven’t felt that way for a really long time. And it sucks. I am feeling very disappointed in myself. For the last 3 years or so, I have faced the New Year feeling as if I had it by the balls. I knew what I wanted, and by God, I was going after it, no matter what it took. I was on track, I was so proud and relieved at the direction my life was taking. This year, I am scared to death. Scared of ending up right back where I started, of undoing all the good I have done in the past 3 years. It’s because I know what needs to be done; I know how to do it; I how much work it is going to take and I am scared to death that I just don’t have it in me anymore.

At the same time, part of me is starting to get really, really fed-up. I am ready to face this thing ONCE AND FOR ALL. (It’s the Final Countdown… do,do,doooooo, do,do,do,do,do…cue cheesy 80s song by Europe…) I want this part of my life behind me. I want the change to be over and done with so I can get on with the rest of my life. It is time to slap that fat bitch out of my life for good. I loosened the reigns SO MUCH in 2006 that I lost them completely. But like you said, Craig, they’re still there where I left them, I just need to bend over and pick them up. But I’m just feeling like a petulant child, ‘Aw. I don’t wa-nna.’

But you know, it just needs to be done. Nose to the grindstone. Do it. Get on with it. I need to find myself again: Regroup, Reassess, Reconnect.

Stagger onwards, soldiers.