Pre-Travel Panic

Today I realized—6 days before my Guatemala departure—that there is nothing worse than being FORCED to go and buy something that you don’t really want in the first place. Today, I had a list the size of my arm of things I need for my trips: Hiking boots, all-purpose jacket, 2 pairs of shorts, rehydration salts, water purification drops, money belt…etc. etc. etc. The size of my arm, I tell ya’…The most, most, MOST important of these items, though were the hiking boots. Importance: high. Priority: NUMBER ONE. The rest, I can sort of do without, but the hikers are a must-have.

And it never fails that when you have money to spend and you need assistance from a knowledgeable and helpful salesperson, there are none to be found. And I am a much better shopper when I am not looking for something specific. I am more the type to stumble across the perfect thing when I am not looking for it, and most often, when I don’t have a dime to my name. But when I go out with wads of cash to spend? No, no. There is nothing to be found… And I am particularly and especially bitter and resentful when the things that I don’t want to buy in the first place cost me an ARM and a leg. Ugly pair of shorts that do nothing for me? 60 dollars. Ugly, clunky pair of hot hiking boots? 220 dollars. Stupid retarded itchy wool hiking socks?15 dollars a pair. Ridiculous!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll go out and drop $170 on a hair straightener without batting an eye, but $18.00 for a flashlight?! Forgetaboutit! I’ll just wander around in the jungle in the dark, thanks and spend that $18.00 on a case of beer instead. It’s all about priorities for me. And it’s not that I’m not happy to have these things once I buy them, I would just much rather spend that money on something more fun and much, MUCH more flattering.

And I am also a bargain shopper at heart. I like to comparison shop and make sure that I really am getting the best deal. The problem with that is that I leave in 6 days. No time for that nonsense. No problem, I thought. How hard can it be to find some hikers? Well, considering that it is JULY and no one (apparently) looks for hiking boots in July (which really, doesn’t make sense to me because wouldn’t you think that the summer time is the best time to go hiking?!) and couple that with the fact that I have GIGANTIC feet, it turns out that it is near impossible. And apparently, no one over a size 6 goes outdoors at Mountain Equipment Co-op, so I was invariably left to shop for shorts in the MEN’S department. Isn’t that fun?! So now an ill-fitting pair of ugly, bland shorts that make me look horrible and expose my gnarly knees and cost me WAY more than they should have are sitting neatly folded on top of my suitcase. GAR!

And really, I am so out of my element in stores like Camper’s Village and M.E.C that I wander around like a deer in headlights hoping that someone will take pity on me and give me a personal guided tour of the store. Better yet, can I just hand over my list and have you go and get everything I need and bring it back to me? Here’s my credit card; I’m going across the street for a Frappacinno…And actually, while we’re at it, could someone just please deliver the PERFECT PAIR OF HIKING BOOTS straight to my door? In the perfect size and fit? And make sure they look cool, too, wouldya’?

I'm sure all of this aggro will be worth it in the end, but for now, I just don’t see why I can’t climb Volcano Pacaya in my $5 flip-flops from Mexico…

I'd much rather be at IKEA picking out a new planter and some pretty napkins.