Welcome to Calgary

This post also appeared in Calgary Herald Q

I am a bad Calgarian. I have lived here for about six years, and I still don’t like cowboys. I don’t particularly like the Flames and almost pride myself on my complete and total ignorance towards the sport of hockey. It took me years to figure out what a Plus 15 was and even longer to hear the words “Red Mile” without gagging. I don’t drive the Deerfoot to get to work and I don’t work in oil & gas; I have never been to a pancake breakfast or seen the Stampede parade. I don’t know where Chapparelle is; I don’t get a headache from a Chinook and I still think that a Hummer is something that shouldn’t be talked about in mixed company. Yep, I think it’s safe to say: I am a pretty crummy Calgarian. In fact, I didn’t even start referring to myself as a Calgarian until I had lived here for more than three years. Even now, I don’t exactly broadcast it.

So it comes as no surprise that my mother felt the need to give me the “Calgary Book of Everything" for Christmas. I could tell: she felt my pain. I was egregiously undereducated on my city of residence, and it was time to do something about it. Apparently, my family could no longer tolerate all that ignorance. Now, for those of you purported “Calgarians” who may be unfamiliar with this little gem of a book, it provides the new-comer with “everything you wanted to know about Calgary and were going to ask anyway.” Ex: Wild Weather, Oil Patch Slang, Best Honky Tonks, Famous Calgarians, and oh, my very favourite: Crime and Punishment.

So for those of you new to our fair city, you might not know that the Number One vehicle of choice for Calgary car thieves is the Chevrolet/GMC truck, or that The Naval Museum of Alberta listed as Calgary’s Best Kept Secret. Who knew? And did you also know that wrangler Guy Weadick had a life-long fascination with trick roping. No really, that was his name.

And unlike me, if you don’t even know whether or not you are a bad Calgarian, this book can help you with that too! They have so helpfully included a section called “You know you’re from Calgary when…” with fifty-five hints to let you know exactly where you stand. Of course, I failed miserably. So it got me to thinking: maybe my New Year’s resolution should be to find out what bitumen means or learn the names of the Stampede Queen and Princess and commit them to memory? Hell, maybe we could even go for a horseback ride together and talk about our feelings.

Yes, this book is replete with indispensable facts and no good—or as the case may be—bad—Calgarian should be caught dead without it. And if not knowing the Top Five Scallywags in Calgary’s History is driving you crazy, then this is the book for you. Yes, that’s it: this year, I am going to commit to becoming a better Calgarian. Well, we can all have our dreams, can’t we?