Counting My Filthy Lucre

I cut up my credit card today. I haven’t actually used it for months. I had it paid off with a $0 balance in August and here I am right back where I started, paying egregious amounts of interest and in general doing myself NO GOOD. So I had a little trumpet ceremony and cut it in four and stared at it for a while, as if I was cutting off one of my limbs. Momentary panic had me running a series of unlikely scenarios in my head and figuring out if taping it back together could undo the choice I had just made. Then I realized what an abusive relationship we had together. He was such a taker. You are as much good to me as my ex-boyfriend. So long, pal.

Since my last post, I have also come into SCADS of money. Well okay, maybe not scads. But enough. And these days, I am really really happy with enough. Scads compared to the crumbs and pittance I have been living on lo’ these past 3 months. Not only did I get paid, but I got my tax return. Nothing gigantic, but enough to get me closer to being out of debt. I am not saying it’s over. But I think insomuch as me being po’, I will not go back. I am not too proud to go and get a job to pay the bills while I still keep writing.

Yesterday, I splurged on three new pairs of socks and three new pairs of underwear (on sale!) and today, I think I might treat myself to a full tank of gas. Yes, these are treats. I’m by no means in the area where I can go and...oh, I dunno...buy clothes or replace my camera or my cell phone. That's crazy talk. But you know, I’m happy to have socks with no holes.

And even better: more money is on the way! A good solid month of subbing under my belt and I may actually clear enough to be able to pay my rent without standing on my head. Hurrah.

So, I can breath and am out from the crushing, suffocating stranglehold of debt. And for that I am grateful.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately. My relationship with money. My friends’ relationships with it. The power it has over us all. The power it has for both good and evil. The power of security and freedom. And the power to dominate, hallucinate and subjugate. I have decided, here, now, in this moment of gratitude and clarity not to give it any more power. I am taking the emotion out of it (or at least I’m going to try.) You see, money is something we trade our life energy for. And I am not going to allow it to suck the life out of me anymore.


My money archetype is Victim, Tyrant and Innocent with a little bit of Creator/Artist thrown in for good measure. I have been burying my head in the sand for years. Even when I was making great money, I was always poor, always robbing Peter to pay Paul, always living beyond my means. Always chasing my mother-fucking tail. And today I stand up, head held high and say NO MORE. No more manipulation, no more emotional spending, no more ego-rubbing, image-fulfilling, crazy-making DEBT.

People have an image in their minds of what POOR looks like. And I don’t look poor, because I happen to have pride. But POOR comes in all shapes and sizes. I may be showered and educated; I may not be pushing a shopping-cart of recyclables down the street, but make no mistake: I am poor.

As with everything I don’t like, I am delving deeper and trying to understand the source. I don’t want to be nor do I like being poor. But here I am. This means there is something in my belief system that prevents me from ever surpassing a certain tax bracket. Being poor supports a belief I have about myself. I’m going to change that.

But before I get there, I have surrendered. Surrendered my emotions, my ego and my credit card. And you know what, it feels really really good. From here on, I will build on that. I will get myself up and out.

This is a promise I make to myself. Here, now, today and always.