Staying Present - Oh God.

There is a chapter in Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God that haunts me. It's called: Never Underestimate The Inclination to Bolt.

It's become a bit of a mantra. Because of course, I ALWAYS want to bolt. I've been doing it my whole life. Bolting with food, with money, with TV, with sex, with work, with procrastination, with shopping...you name it. Anything to keep me from staying present, and going to the centre of my fear, of my emotion, of myself. Yep, just going to go ahead and have this banana nut muffin over here.

Less than an hour ago, I signed up with a life coach for an intensive and integrative 3-Day Life Shadowing program. 24 hours with me. Full life immersion. She goes where I go. She sees everything. Warts and all.

And I'm already trying to figure out how to get the Hell out of it.

I'm furiously back-peddling. Oh, my Ego is kicking up a fuss. "I can't do this. It's crazy. I'm going to be too busy. I'm not going to be busy enough."

Already I'm eying up my apartment and judging it. Going to have to get all that mess in the corner cleaned up before she gets here. Can't have her thinking my life isn't in order.

HA!

Like she's not going to be able to tell in the first tenth of a second everything she needs to know about me.

Oh God. I understand from Geneen that not bolting -- being awake without being drugged by food, alcohol, work, sex, money, drugs, fame or in denial -- is the path to the heart of love itself. And to find it, I'm going to have to stick around.

Oh God.