What is it with people and babies? Grown adults who are smart, well-educated and otherwise NORMAL, contributing members of society turn into babbling idiots when in the presence of children. Well you know what? I don’t buy your bullshit. You’ve all seen these people in public who clearly don’t like kids, but are trying to ‘get it up’ to look like they’re kind and docile individuals? Why bother? I don’t know YOU; I don’t know your kid. I will never see either of you again. I have no desire to pretend to make a connection with your little brat because you’re not paying attention to him and then I end up being stuck in a never-ending game of peek-a-boo with him. I hate the pressure of having to be onstage in front of kids. I know some people whose opinions of others are based on how they treat children and how they treat wait staff in restaurants and custodial staff. Well, I fully admit that I am nicer to the latter. At least they bring you stuff and clean up after themselves. And I’m not saying that I am mean to children—not at all—but must you speak to them in baby talk? I treat children with respect and talk to them in my normal, everyday voice, not like some hyena with a stubbed toe who has lost all of her mental faculties.
One of my colleagues’ wives recently had a baby. I am happy for them. They have been trying for a long time. If it’s want you want, I imagine there’s nothing better in life. I’ll congratulate you and hope it’s the magical experience they always say it will be. I’ll even sign the card. But when the new parents came to show baby off at the school, you would have thought they were bringing in the first baby ever born on the planet. And yes, said child was cute. But y’know, there’s no need to go overboard. Tone it down. A small room full of people clucking and cooing in a register only audible to dogs would grate on ANYone's nerves. Would you mind? I’m trying to finish my lunch.
My sister thinks my point of view is baffling considering my line of employment. (I’m a teacher) But allow me to illustrate my point. The other day, we were pulling into our parking garage and there was a grandmother walking with her toddler to the garbage room. The toddler was carrying the garbage, and was very uncertain on his feet. It looked like he or the garbage could take a nose-dive at any minute. And what did my sister say? ‘Awwwwwww. Look at the cute little baby.’ And I looked at her, rolled my eyes and said ‘HE’S CARRYING TRASH.’ Stinky, yucky, juicy trash. That’s not cute. Am I missing some sort of maternal, babbling jean that causes me a) to feel the need to procreate and b) the need to find everything that children do automatically cute?! I sure as hell hope so. And just for the record, I don’t think pictures of kids taking shits on their potties are cute, either. It’s shit. Would you take a picture of YOURSELF on the crapper?! Then what on Earth makes you think that one of your child doing the same is of any interest to anyone not involved in changing the diapers?
Also moms: stop talking about yourself in the third person. You have a name; you have an identity separate from that of ‘the motherhood.’ No one wants to hear ‘Mommy has to go potty.’ How ‘bout trying, ‘I have to pee’ or ‘I’ll be right back.’ Something along those lines.
Next entry: YOUR DOG IS UGLY TOO.
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1 comment:
Oh, for sure, Holly. But your daughter is less than a year old. The incident to which I was refering was a mother who had 3 kids aged 3-7 yrs. I think once they hit that age, you need to start using pronouns. As for being a language model, I think you can do so without having to dummy down your own language. I've seen Echo do it, as well as many other mothers. And by Coochie-cooing the child to death, they were definitely not being any kind of language to them, especially considering that the baby was only a week old.
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