WHAT'S NEXT?

I am in a bit of a funk. And worse, I don’t know why! I have been trying to put my finger on it for the last several weeks and the reason remains elusive. I think essentially it boils down to me having too much time on my hands. And unfortunately, the boredom is starting to manifest itself into destructive and undesirable behaviour. For the last several years, I have been so focused on my weight loss and my career and on overcoming the next big hurdle, that now that my life is more or less on track, I am at a complete loss. I realized the other day that it’s the first time in a long time that I haven’t had something in the works. I am a planner. I like having things to work towards and to look forward to. And right now, I got bubkus. This of course isn’t a bad thing. Not having any obstacles to overcome should be a great thing. It’s just that I’ve spent the last 10 years working towards and/or building SOMETHING. It’s unusual to suddenly have it all under control. And I don’t know what to do with all this harmony. Am I supposed to enjoy it or something?! I guess I just kind of feel like I am spinning my wheels. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing or where I should go from here. God forbid were I just to ride it out and enjoy what I have achieved...

It also brings me to something that has been eating away at me for several months, if not longer. And it is that I miss the single-mindedness that comes when I am so focused on a goal. There are many things about being that disciplined and controlled that I most definitely DON’T miss, but one of them is having that drive. It makes things very clear. For example, losing weight was a priority. And everything else was secondary, including my career. Of course, that becomes a very dangerous game to play and inevitably, you end up becoming completely obsessed and unhealthy. But now, I seem to have swung in the other direction…so it has left me, again in a bit of a tailspin. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to come along and tell me what to do next and where to go from here. It’s a really odd and very eerie feeling. A bit empty, I suppose. And it’s been a long, long time since I’ve felt that. And I don’t like it.

One thing is for sure, I am not as happy now as I was a year ago. And it’s partly because I am not as proud with myself and my accomplishments as I was then. The rub of all that hard work is that it does actually pay off and the rewards in self-esteem and pride and confidence and independence outweigh the sacrifices. I just have to build up that momentum again. And snap out of it. I’ve got it good! And I need to start appreciating it. And maybe resting on the laurels of all that hard work. As long as I don’t get too comfy.

Stagger onwards, soldiers...