And I am terrified. I am terrified that I will call this man up and beg him to take me back. I am terrified that I won’t call him and I’ll never hear from him again. I am of course afraid that I will spend the rest of my days bitter and alone. I am afraid that it will all be my fault. But that’s the passion talking. The reason keeps reminding me about all those other fish.
My sister finally asked me the other day how far he would have to go before I said enough was enough. She asked me what my baseline tolerance was. I couldn’t answer her. A couple of years ago, I could have answered without batting an eye. Because a couple of years ago, I had no tolerance at all. Any sign of trouble, any whiff of a red flag, a mere HINT of bad news and I was gone, out like a flash, through the door and into the woods. No time, no time to tolerate any of your crap. It was my way or the highway, buster. Except of course it was all an elaborate wall, a way to protect myself from getting hurt. And a way to keep me single for years at a time. So, once I figured out that I was my own worst enemy, I took the wall down. But now I have completely swung the other way. And let go of most of my rules and boundaries. Which has left me WIDE OPEN for ill treatment. One of the rules I live by is that we teach others how to treat us: And lately, I’ve been telling the men to treat me badly. I might as well be wearing a ‘kick me’ sign.
And this whole thing has left me wondering, what happened to me? What happened to the opinionated, no-nonsense girl who put up with no bullshit from no-BODY!? Where did she go? Part of me really misses her. That bitch in me. I miss her courage and her fearlessness. When did I get so scared? Where is the girl who would have stomped around and MADE MEN ACCOUNTABLE?! Now I find myself forgiving men their sins and worse! Completely siding with them! So clearly, the not-having-boundaries thing just doesn’t work for me. It’s fun for about a week.
I guess that’s one of the luxuries of being young and seeing everything in black and white. It was ignorance. And that sense of having all the time in the world? That confidence that everything will work itself out? Ig.nor.ance. Because tick, tock, tick, tock, ten years later I don’t have the luxury of believing that I can leave it all in the hands of Fate. I am supposed to be living my happily-ever-after. In the meantime, here are the lessons from 10 years ago that I have needed to relearn:
Relationships 101:
# 1: You will not find a loving, committed relationship in the bar.
#2: Putting out on the first night will make the relationship (if there is one) all about sex.
#3: Men won’t respect you if you show them they don’t have to.
So yes, rules and boundaries are all your baggage disguised. But they DO serve a purpose. And that is to help you figure out which of those fish in the sea is the right one for you. I still think it’s important to have fun and not overthink things. Especially when all that fun is helping you to get over someone else. So go out, live it up, drink one-too many tequila, but girl leave that man at the front door and walk yourself home. Get his number and call him LAY-TAH! You can take a couple of alka-seltzers in the morning and the bad taste left in your mouth won’t be from shortchanging yourself of a little love and respect.
Songs for today:
‘It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp’ 3-6 Mafia
‘Use Me’ Al Green
‘I Still Miss Someone’ Johnny Cash
‘Don’t Go Home With Your Hard On’ Leonard Cohen
‘You Got Me’ The Roots
‘I Need A Man’ Eurythmics
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