I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

My sister and I recently got a noise complaint from one of our neighbours. Now, this in and of itself is not all that surprising. I enjoy loud music. I dance often around my living room. I stay up late. I party hard. …That being said, I don’t think I’ve actually had a noise complaint for the better part of 10 years. It’s not like we invite Motley Cru back to our place on Saturday nights for jam sessions. My issue is not that we may have been too loud; my issue is that we weren’t even aware that there has been a problem until now and it has become completely and unnecessarily escalated. It also irks me how cowardly some people are when it comes to confronting a problem.

First of all, we received a typed letter under our door at 6 o’clock in the morning. Secondly, it was an anonymous letter—unsigned and with no indication as to what suite the complaint was being generated from. Thirdly, it was sanctimonious and had an entire paragraph about ‘respecting neighbours’ and in the same breath, threatened to have us evicted if we did not adhere to the rules and regulations set out in the condo guide. Ha! That doesn’t sound very respectful to me. Please lady! Get a life! And get yourself laid! She then went on to detail 3 or 4 examples when we were supposedly making noise. One of her complaints was legitimate; but the others did not correspond with times when either of us were at home or conscious. Her complaints were also completely unreasonable since most of the “noise” was during the afternoon or early evening. She complained because we were playing a Justin Timberlake CD at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Hey listen, lady: if you can't handle me bringing sexy back (yeah!) on a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon, then you should consider living elsewhere. I think if the noise aint bein' made between the hours of 11 pm and 7 am, then too bad for you! Also, there was ‘some loud banging’ in our kitchen for several minutes. ?! What?! Are you for real? She’ll probably complain the next time we run our garberator too late at night, or flush our toilet too many times. And to add insult to injury, she has exaggerated her case and outright lied to the condo board claiming a) that we have had previous noise complaints (not true) and b) that we supposedly shoved the letter she wrote us back under her door, which would be impossible since we didn’t even know who had generated the complaint. Crazy, old, pathetic, sad lady! All of the unhappiness and misery in her own life is being directed towards us because of some unknown 'banging' in the general direction of our suite. What a waste of energy!

First of all, if you are going to complain, come and knock on my door and have the balls to face me directly. Secondly, do it immediately, and not 2 days after the fact when we are in no position to defend ourselves. Thirdly, make sure that you are complaining to the right tenants and not blaming them for every noise in the building. Then take a deep breath and accept the fact that you are living in a building with many other bodies. If you are a person who needs peace and quiet 24 hours a day, THEN CONDO LIVING IS NOT FOR YOU. Buy yourself a goddamn house and take a chill pill, Chiquita. No, instead, this lady phoned the condo board, who phoned our landlord, who phoned us. We are now expected to go down to her suite and ‘make nice.’ I told Jane that she had better do the talking, because I would end up lipping her off and then putting her in a burlap sack and beating her.