What happened to our etiquette?

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I firmly believe that there are times when it is appropriate to send an email and times when it isn’t. Of course, rules for close friends differ from acquaintances, but for big announcements and major life changes, generally, I think a call is in order. Weddings, births, job changes and…well, deaths. Good news or bad, I don’t always want to read about it on Facebook.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine experienced a death in his family. Announced on facebook, it was the easiest, quickest and ultimately, the most compassionate way to disseminate the information. It was the best choice for him. It is sad and I was glad to have been informed about it, especially since I would likely not have known otherwise. It’s difficult enough facing the loss of a loved one and the last thing grieving family members want to do is make hundreds of phone calls. Relatives have only to impart the news once, instead of repeating it over and over again.

What galls me is that upon such an announcement, people have now been commenting on said friend’s status and writing condolences on his wall. Really? Sending condolences for the death of a loved-one via Facebook? This is what it’s come to? You can’t pick up the phone or at the very least send a private email which will not appear on everyone’s News Feed? It may be acceptable and expeditious for the family or friend to make an announcement via facebook. It is not, however, acceptable or appropriate to publicly comment on that. Pick up the damn phone.

Which leads me to other inappropriate status updates on Facebook. Things other people don’t want to read about:

Going Through a Divorce/Break-up/Questioning Your Relationship
Living with Chronic Pain
Women’s Problems
How well your child/ren are doing on the Potty
Really, anything to do with bodily functions of any description

Facebook is just not the forum for that kind of sharing. It is a place where we assume a public persona, not air our dirty laundry. Like a press statement, you want to gloss over the bad stuff and focus on the positive. Kind of like a Highlight Reel. Not to say I have never had a negative status update or talked about having a ‘bad day,’ but there is a difference, in my mind, between life-changing events and the day to day minutiae that make up our lives. It’s that peering into the lives of others that makes Facebook so fascinating; that commiseration, that relating to one another and understanding what it is that connects us as a community and a society. But saying ‘I hate Calgary traffic’ is quite different from announcing: ‘I have the runs.’

I understand that people are busy and I honestly don’t expect phone calls from every single person I have ever known for every big announcement they have ever had. But sometimes I would like to hear about your engagement/pregnancy/new job from you. Facebook is kind of making us lazy and getting us off the hook from taking time to invest in our relationships.

Etiquette is less about worrying about which fork to use and more about treating people with consideration, honesty and respect. So if someone dies, shouldn’t etiquette dictate that a phone call—or at the very least, a private email—be more considerate than a post on a public wall fired off from your cubical at work? It’s about respecting the person enough to take time and let them know that you are thinking of them.

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