Working On It

What is commonest, cheapest, nearest, easiest, is Me.
- Walt Whitman

I am feeling pretty lucky these days. Actually, every morning that I wake up, I am still breathing a sigh of relief. Even after all this time. I am so relieved and so grateful that I don’t have to get up, get showered, get dressed and haul my sorry ass to a job I hate. So happy. I just want to shout it out to the world how grateful I am feeling. But here’s the thing with that: there’s a fine line between ‘happy’ and ‘smug’. And not everyone gets to follow their dreams; not everyone is all that happy for me; and not everyone is nearly as lucky.

There are things in life beyond one’s circumstance and control and if I were to be perfectly honest, I have lived my life more or less without adversity: nothing truly horrible has ever really happened to me. Knock wood. So it’s easy for me to sit here and take credit for where I am. And trust me, I do—I believe that I took huge risks to be where I am today. I do believe that we are the creators of our own destinies. But I am also very aware just how much luck played a role in my life as well.

It is luck, yes. But it is no accident. From the outside, I can see how it would seem that I hardly had to try at all; that I have only been writing for six months and bam! I get a book deal. That I am sitting at my desk minding my own business one day and presto! My dreams are handed to me on a silver platter. And I’m not denying that. But what that implies to me, simply is that it was my destiny.

And from the inside, it’s been a whole different and much more difficult story. I have had to make some pretty major changes. I have had, first of all, to completely change the way I think and approach the world, and more importantly, myself; I am negative by nature and plagued by self-doubt. Every self-defeating thought I have ever had of “shit, I can’t do this, what do I know? who the fuck wants to hear what I have to say?”(and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE--and there are thousands a day) has had to be systematically and painstakingly addressed and then replaced by a 'You can do this', or 'It is possible' or 'What you have to say has value/Who you are has value.'

I also recognize that I didn't make it here on my own; I have had enormous support.

I heard this great quote once:
“So, you can either chase happiness or you can choose to be happy. It really is that simple.”

And I am by no means an expert, and I still have a long way to go. But I am working on it.

So what does this all mean? Does it mean that I am a bundle of sunshine and roses all the time? Uh, not even close. Does it mean that I will never be angry/sad/hurt/scared ever again? Definitely not. Does it mean that I will never bitch and complain about stuff? I hope not. It means that I am just going to stop being my own worst enemy. I am going to get out of my own way and put the stick which I have beating myself up with my whole life DOWN. It means that the days of me putting myself down and pointing out all my faults and shortcomings are OVER. It means that I am going to start thinking as highly of myself as I think of y'all. It means, simply, that I am going to endeavor on a daily basis to be happy and move in the direction of getting closer to the woman I have always hoped to become.

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