A friend told me once that I have never had enough love in my life. I don’t actually think I was ever meant to know that information and it has haunted me for years. Nevertheless, I disagreed with said friend for many years; I have had plenty of love in my lifetime. I grew up in a household in which I was loved.
It has only been recently that I have come around to seeing what was meant by that statement. Yes, I’ve had love, but not unconditional love. I grew up in a household where there were strings attached to affection, and one in which I was often on the receiving end of misplaced anger, which taught me to be careful where I tread, not trust easily and take very few risks, and then only if they were calculated, lest I be bawled out for my stupidity. I spent most of my teenage years and nay, many of my adult years, believing I was stupid. I of course lay no blame anymore and have long since forgiven my circumstances and long since accepted my own role in the way my life has played out.
But what I have realized in the last year is that I, too, seem incapable of loving unconditionally. There are many, many strings attached to my love. And I will love you if I agree with the path you are taking and the life you have chosen for yourself. And well, that’s just not the way it works. This isn’t the case with everyone in my life, of course; some of you I love no matter what and have no problems whatsoever loving as you are, but that’s not good enough for me. I want to love everyone who matters to me unconditionally. Everyone.
This really is much easier said than done. I simply don’t know how to love unconditionally. What does it mean, even? How does it look and what do I do? Sometimes, I feel a little like Dexter; a sociopath who is only going through the motions of loving unconditionally. I feel like I am missing the 'unconditional love' gene. Most of the time, I am just acting the way I think a loving person is supposed to, when in actuality, it is much easier for me to retreat, to judge, to disapprove and to blame others. This is why I don't want children: I am terrified that I won't love them the way I am supposed to.
So it has occurred to me that the reason I can’t love and trust others unconditionally is because I can’t love and trust myself unconditionally. So I’m working on that. I have started working towards acceptance and it is going to take time. But you know, I am impatient by nature and I want the fast track to enlightenment please!
“Give your best energy to the people that matter most.”
Currently, I am not doing that all of the time, including for myself. I spend a lot of energy spewing forth a vitriol not worthy of my time. But what I think it boils down to is trust. I have difficulty loving unconditionally because I am afraid that I will get hurt. If I say I trust someone but am always waiting for them to fuck up (which I am), then I am likely only going to attract people who are untrustworthy. This isn’t so much the case with my friends as it is with my men. For some reason, I will put up with shit from men that I would not tolerate even for a second with my friends.
So, I am thinking about trying something cRaZy and RaDiCaL: For six months—uh, maybe just three to start—I am going to trust everyone I meet.
I know, I know. I of course will have parameters and a framework for that trust, but the idea here is that if I am open and able to trust everyone, then I am going to attract trustworthy people/men. It is a fundamental universal principle. Where men are concerned, I come from a place of fear, lacking and SCARCITY. People who don’t trust others are really only demonstrating that they don’t trust themselves.
So I am going to give it a whirl and see how it pans out.
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