Renouncing Joy & Conquest

I have been watching as my writing career slowly gets sucked down the drain…and have no one to blame but myself. I have turned into an unreliable writer: I miss deadlines; I don’t do what I say I am going to; I'm spinning my wheels. And I can see it happening. I am sitting here watching it and letting it slip through my fingers.

Why?

This is why:

“Oscar Wilde said: ‘each man kills the thing he loves.’ And it’s true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal—when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of [the Universe], you help the soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.”

-Paulo Coelho, the Alchemist

The first time I read this, I sucked in my breath and cowered a bit; for it was like he was speaking directly to me, reaching up through the page and sliding a cold, bony hand around my throat.

The writing, the love I have for it will never go away. Whenever I attempt to start something else or go in a different direction, it pounces, it pushes me to the floor and pins me down, as if to say: 'uh-uh. Not so fast.'

I am freed from it as much as I am imprisoned by it.

And worst of all, I feel like I am betraying myself and my Truth. So many people are wandering around with no purpose, hoping to one day discover their mission. And here I am, having found it, knowing perfectly well exactly what it is...and I am now attempting to turn my back on it.

Haunting me even more is a Napoleon Hill quote about our greatest success being merely a few steps beyond our greatest failure.

So the question is, how far is too far? How much and how often do I have to fail before I cry Uncle?