Great Expectations

I think the foundation of any relationship is built on two things: the first is communication and the second is on managing expectations. Attaching too much onto a relationship is a recipe for disaster; not enough and suddenly you’re settling.

I have a confession: I suffer from obscenely high expectations. I always have. My whole life has been about gauging and checking my unfair, unrealistic expectations to avoid spending all of my time in a permanent state of disappointment.

I have learned over the years to temper my crushing perfectionist tendencies with realism. I used to be hard both on myself and those around me. I see now that this was done out of deep insecurity and crippling loneliness. Thank goodness I was blessed with really solid and stalwart friends who always saw past that insecurity and took the time to get to the goods...for there was always much good to get to.

Nowadays, what constitutes a good friendship for me? Two words: low maintenance. And I am not talking about a no maintenance friendship; just LOW. That doesn’t mean I don’t invest time and energy; that means that we don’t get trapped in a cycle of defensive over-explanation.‘Cause here’s another thing: relationships change. They are constantly evolving. In my opinion, good friendships are about learning to go with the flow. And my role as your friend is to make your life easier and smooth out the bumpy patches in the road. I think that friendships should enrich and enhance our well-being; a good friend offers support, compassion, understanding and sometimes a little kick in the pants. Duh.

In my 30s, I don’t care to surround myself with people who pull guilt trips or have expectations of me that I simply can’t or won’t meet. I know some of my oldest and dearest friends will probably find this last statement laughable. Ha! Because I’ll admit it, back in the day, I owned my own 'Unrealistic' tiara and 'Expectations' scepter. (Truth be told, I was Miss Queen GUILT TRIP 1995.) I put a great deal of pressure on my friendships to be my be-all and end-all; I looked to them to fulfill a need in me and put an unnecessary burden on them to ‘complete me’. Yes, really. Bottom line: I’ve learned. Bottom line: I grew up. Bottom line: I’m 34.

So the irony is not lost on me that I have recently attracted friends in my life who are a mirror for who I used to be. I get it, Universe. Ha.ha. And I am trying to take that same compassion that was generously bestowed upon me and pay it back. But it's hard. And I am stuck between deperately trying to maintain my image (another no-no, I know), managing expectations--both my own and others'--and the stark reality of my situation.

The truth is, my situation has changed drastically esp. these last 9 months. It is a permanent change; I am working to improve it and make it better, but until then, I really need friends around me who get it, who support me and who check the guilt trip at the door. My priorities have shifted. And if I were to throw the shutters open on my life and be PERFECTLY HONEST, I hide how bad the situation really is, even from my boyfriend. It is my dark secret.

I feel like I am stuck in some Poor Man's Limbo--caught between being a victim and telling the truth.

Maybe I should just draft a letter up right here and right now.

Dear Friends,
I am broke. Just thought you should know.
Thanks,
k.


I am frustrated and most of all, I am deeply ashamed. My self-worth has always been wrapped up in my net worth. So it is a daily struggle for me to feel worthy when I am worthless. Money is a most deadly and complicated affair for me—I would say it is even more detrimental to me that my relationship with food. I can't maintain the same lifestyle I used to have. I can't afford big, fancy meals and epic nights out at the bar. And you know what? I'm fine with that part of it. That is my choice and I'm sorry if it doesn't jive with your free-wheelin' lifestyle. Do I miss it? Hell yes. Do I want to sacrifice my well-being for it? Not on your life.

So, you can shift along with me, or not. The choice is yours.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
~Mark Twain

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And like you, E, I hesitate to post this, 'cause gah. 'Cause I don't want sympathy or platitutes--and I certainly am not asking for help; I'm just tired of hiding it.