All’s Well that Ends Well

Beautiful. That was New York, in a word. I didn’t expect that to be the word I would use to describe New York. I thought it would be ‘throbbing’ or ‘face-paced’ or ‘turgid’ and it was all of those things, which is what made it so beautiful. I spent 4 days in awe of all the beauty. Beautiful clothes, beautiful people, beautiful sights, beautiful scenery. 4 days in awe, 4 days being present, 4 days in gratitude, feeling loved and supported and lucky.

4 days of beauty.

The trip wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be about my weight and my body issues. It wasn’t at all. It was about love. Giving myself permission to love myself and finally see my money for what it really is: a nurturing supportive and loving conduit to help me reach my goals and desires. It wasn’t about the shopping. It was about claiming my place in this world, about not postponing my life until I have more money or lose more weight; it’s about throwing my hat in the ring, about earning the satisfaction of knowing that I jumped into the game.

Life is not meant to be lived on the sidelines.

I am ready to make peace with my money. I am ready to stop punishing myself. I am ready to stop denying myself love. I am ready to treat it well, to nurture and love it, and ask that it do the same with me.

So many years I have spent hatinghatinghating and using money to punish and deprive myself, giving it so much power. I am ready to disarm and disable its power. I am ready to frame my choices in a positive way and continue to be present and grateful in all areas of my life (and least endeavour to.) And most importantly, I am ready to take the action steps needs to make sure that happens!

I am ready to live my life.

Have I said all of this before? Yes. Will I say it again? Maybe, but the trip was a great reminder of my place in the world. Today I feel centred, grounded and focused, more than I have in a really long time. I let money have this power over me; I let my identity be defined by it. Money keeps me off-kilter. If I have it, it feels wrong; if I don’t, I feel entitled. It’s fucked-up shit.

Here’s what I feel today, after 4 glorious days in New York – an overwhelming sense of relief, and the reminder that I am a fucking colossus.

Everything you’ve ever heard about New York is true. It is a state of mind, a feeling. For me, it was about enjoying where I was at when I was at it. Doing all the stuff I love; it was about balance and appreciation and gob-smacking adulation.

Really, New York. Thank you.