How do I feel?
Like a bloody, selfish fool.
My whole life is upside-down. I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul, I'm back where I started, I'm in no-man's land, I'm someplace new, I'm where I've always been.
I am frustrated, I am angry, I am raging.
My life makes me uncomfortable.
Is that a good thing? I don't know any more. I believe that in order to change results and create something new in life, you gotta live outside your comfort zone a little. I don't want to activate what I already know because that will get me what I already have. I don't want what I already have, do you?
But at what point does that tolerance for risk reach its breaking point? When is enough enough?
I have never felt lonelier in my life. I feel like my old friends don't get my new life and I feel like my new friends don't get my old life. I don't feel like I can trust anyone, and those that I can trust, I am afraid of their judgement.
So where am I? Nowhere.
So I talk to no one and I sit and stew and things get worse.
My life is a grenade.
I am 2 days from a trip to NYC and instead of feeling pride, joy, elation and worth, I feel selfish, scared, audacious, and mad as hell. I am frustrated and furious. And I need to be honest about it. Everyone is walking around asking, 'Are you so excited?' and the truth is, I'm not. And that makes me sad. Oh woe is me. How dare I make this into something other than what it is. Why can't I enjoy it? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it? I thought it was about the weight. It's not. It's about the money. Which is the same difference. It all boils down to love. And this being just another way for me to be hard on myself, beat myself up, get a hate on...and then feel guilty for not feeling grateful. And then I feel spoiled that this is my problem in life. And there are starving children in Africa...and in Canada who WISH that there biggest problem was coming to terms with a trip to New York. And then I feel like I 'should' be feeling a certain way and I stuff the feelings down even more and bend and twist and contort all of my feelings. Try to mold them into something they're not. Mad at everyone else for not understanding; mad at myself for not being honest. Mad at myself for not being able to enjoy.
I am leaving for New York City in 2 days and I am miserable.
2 comments:
Step #1: being completely honest with yourself about where you're at and how you're feeling.
So you can check that one off the list, and that's something! Sometimes just owning your feelings is half the battle, and the rest will slowly follow.
And I am an old friend who readily admits I don't always get where you are now, and of course vicey versy, but the beauty of it is that our friends don't have to understand or even agree with us they just have to love us through it all. And I love you, and believe in you. Life is a work in progress. Be patient with yourself. Some of this you'll figure out eventually and some you may never, but that's OK. You are already enough exactly as you are.
Thank you. Of course I know that, my dear. It's still nice to hear that. And I am feeling more grounded today.
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