Bee in my Bonnet

So it has been a while since I’ve written. When did I start internalizing everything? When did I STOP using this blog as my outlet?

I’m dating someone new. Which has just opened me up to infinite vulnerability and raw crazy.

The crazy has always been there, of course, just getting naked with someone - physically, emotionally, spiritually – makes it spill out from the controlled container I usually have it in.

So here it is: My biggest fear in life is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. And so far, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of making sure that comes true.

Sabotage, poor choices and of course, the stark raving craziness.

Here are things I’ve been pondering:
*The best way to learn about relationships is to be in a relationship
*I’m really needy in relationships.
*And insecure
*I look to man to fulfill me, make me feel safe or like myself better.
*Everything that I seek from him I need to first give to myself.

I’m really fucked up about men. I didn’t realize it until recently. Of course I knew I had some ISSYOUS, but I didn’t realize how deep they ran.

I’m having a hard time really tapping into the heart of it, like I used to. I’m buzzing around on the surface, hesitant to dive in, but knowing that I have to.

Stay tuned...