Little Earthquakes

So I went out for lunch today with a boy I had a crush on and told him how I felt. The world did not coming crashing to an end.

It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time, but was also very rewarding. Interestingly enough, all the lessons I needed to take from this experience I had already learned before I went to talk to him.

Yesterday I cried, I wrote, I talked, I exercised. Here's what I figured out:

So, I have a crush on someone and for a million different reasons, I am not telling him. I can’t actually think of one good reason to tell him, except that no matter what I say, it is all bullshit code for ‘I am too chicken.’ I am a risk-taker in some areas in my life, but not with men and relationships. Hence, oh, I don’t know, being single for nine years. And if I don’t want to remain single for the next nine years, things are going to have to change. As much as I would love to sit around and wait for love to come knocking at my door, well so far, that hasn’t worked out so well. I am going to have to go out and seek it.

I also need to be real about it when I find it. I need to stop second-guessing myself, stop making excuses and most importantly, stop hiding.

Crush has a girlfriend. So another thing I’ve realized: I get crushes on unattainable/unavailable men. And there are so many different ways to be unavailable. And this is a way to reinforce my victim experience. It proves a belief that…that what? Well, it’s a way for me to hide behind excuses, blame failure on choices, on men, on circumstance. It reinforces my belief that I don’t deserve a man or a relationship? That there are no good men left? That the ones that are out there are too good for me?

I also realized that every single time I have laid my heart on the line and told a guy I have feelings for him, it has blown up in my face. I have never been able to trust my heart.

Whatever the case, I am standing in my own way and waiting too long to get started. I think, well wait six months and maybe you’ll be fitter or thinner or further along the life path; you’ll be better girlfriend material next week, next month, next years. And time marches on.

Here was what yesterday's horoscope read:

Taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know that person who's been on your mind lately, or since, like, forever? Well, it's not too late to approach them! The time for playing games is over (unless you're playing Cranium or strip poker--those are always good). 'Fess up and get down.

So I did and it was good. So today was about me owning up to my feelings and being honest with *no* expectation placed on his reaction. Whether he reciprocated or not, the importance lay in the telling and the risking.

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