Handle With Care

I have not been feeling particularly original on this blog these days. Most of my ideas have come from other blogs I’m reading, and the ones that are original seem really whiny to me. Even this post, as I type it, seems to have a whiny tone to it.

I want something fresh! Something original! The other night I was thinking about songs that have made a difference to me, and started compiling a list of the Top 5 Most Important Songs of my Life. It was a pretty good list. Only to go on Facebook and find that it’s all the rage there now. There’s an entire APPLICATION for Top Lists. Top Movies. Top Songs. Top Albums. Top Ways To Get Your Hair Cut.

Well.

Now it’ll just look as if I’m copying again.

But it got me thinking about originality and creativity. And maybe it’s okay if I’m not feeling particularly either at the moment. Maybe the book gives me a pass.

I went out last night and was humiliated by a friend in front of an entire table-full of former co-workers. It was meant to be funny, and totally would have been had it only been the two of us, but in front of 15 people it was humiliating. She threw me under the bus. It really said more about her than it did about me probably, but you know, I have had a couple of really devastating and rough nights out in the last week. For example, I had to go to a hockey game for a business meeting on Thursday. Need I say more?

The truth is, I’m exhausted and have been coming home shattered and in tears every time I set foot out the door. Which really just makes me never what to leave the house again. And it's really not like me at all. See? Whiny.



But here’s what I’ve realized: I am feeling vulnerable and extra exposed because all of my energy is going into the book. So when I go out, I need some TLC. I need kid-gloves. I need support. I do not need all the poor choices of my past thrown in my face; I do not need to be told I will spend the rest of my life alone; I do not need to be pigeon-holed or criticized. Nope, I’m generally pretty tough-skinned. But not right now. And it occurred to me that this kind of compassion and delicacy is what support looks like to me when I'm writing a book.

It’s great if you show up at the Book Launch and all that, but this here? This right now? This is when I need your support the most. The work is done by the time the book launch comes rolling around. It’s like showing up after the baby has been born, you know? And I totally mean that with all due respect. I appreciate those who show up, I do. But I need you the most right now.

If any good is coming from all of this oversensitivity, it is that it is really bringing into a very large and very bright spotlight that I seem to have chosen to surround myself by people who don't have my back. It's interesting as much as it is disppointing.

Like my sister says, there's enough shit out in the world that we don't need it flung at us by those closest to us. And that is my lesson with a bullet and a side of fries.