Space

"When we commit to taking care of our own needs and feeding ourselves the feelings we desire, the true miracle occurs and we find that everything we've been looking for is right within our reach.
-Debbie Ford

I've been looking at apartments all this week. I've got some big decisions to make. So the question I need to ask myself is: which decision is best going to meet my needs? I am trying to keep in mind that it's a renter's market and I have plenty of options. I tend to get scared and want to grab the first thing that comes along in case anybody snatches it up. But now that I'm of a certain age, I'm not sure I'm willing to put up with any shit in my living situation any more. I want a beautiful space that I feel good in and that I'm proud to call my home.

I had that and I walked away from it. I'm not sure I've forgiven myself just yet, but now it's time. I also realize that I have changed on some fundamental level, and not in a good way. I used to go for the gusto and I always landed on my feet. I never worried that things wouldn't work out, and so they always did. Now that I've had the experience of them not working out, I wonder if the lesson was in NOT playing it safe. 'Playing it safe' hasn't worked out so well for me.

I've been feeling that the time is now to step back into that space of owning my environment, something I haven't done these past 9 months. It is time to grow up. It's time to choose what I love and be accountable for doing what needs to get done to deserve, appreciate and feel safe in that space. And it's about finding a space that meets my needs, where I'm not depending on someone else to do it for me.

Something funny has been happening when I find a beautiful space: I'm intimidated by it. It's because with a beautiful space comes a beautiful price tag. I'm afraid I won't be able to manage it. And yet I have in the past, easily. I know from experience that just by trusting myself and believing that I'm making the right choice that it'll all work out. So why the hesitation? I'm afraid I'll fuck it up.

I feel like now might be the time to prove to myself that I can do it all on my own. Which feels like I'm 21 all over again.

And maybe I am, rediscovering parts of me that I thought I'd lost.