Building the New - the Next 35

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.
~Walt Whitman

The good thing about having a birthday is that is the perfect opportunity to take stock of life. It’s a good time to see where I’m at, to laugh, cry, mourn, celebrate. It’s a time to pause, and catch my breath, look forward, look back, look around. It’s a snapshot of a life in full-speed.

It’s a time for gratitude, release, grief, hope, resolve and affirmation.

This year has been one of phenomenal growth. I look back on the last year and can only shake my head in awe. I feel like I’ve done a lot of growing up. Mine is a rags to riches story, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I am learning more and more about myself daily, striving for better, but also standing in happiness and acceptance and harmony and awe. In awe daily of all the wonderful things I have created.

There has been a monumental shift for me these last 3 months and I am pushing forward, but still turning my head back, hand extended to those in my past who I am reluctant to leave behind.

I still miss my ex-boyfriend. I am still waiting for something to happen there; for the door to close, the rope that connects us to be cut. I have been visualizing a giant pair of scissors cutting this big, thick, sinewy rope that connects us and there is always a struggle. So I have to stop and ask why? And realizing from this, since I can no sooner move forward with him, that I don’t let go easily. Realizing that I am loyal and that change is hard for me. And that I am needlessly hanging onto something that never really existed in the first place. And mourning that loss.

I hit the ceiling on that relationship, but I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m still hanging on. Then I stumble on this post from last September and am both saddened and encouraged, reminded that what we had did in fact mean something, that it was a powerful force, a beautiful thing, a forward motion. So what I’m hanging on to is love. What I’m mourning is the loss of what could have been. There is grief that we couldn’t make it work; anger that I can’t control my emotions, or events or their outcome…or other people. Bitterness and hurt that I feel he didn’t appreciate me; that I wasn’t enough for him to step up; resentment that the man I fell in love with was a mirage; disappointment at my sqaut behaviour. And finally understanding that it’s got nothing at all to do with any of that. How could we go from the Centre of the Universe to…arguing about eggs? How could we go from walking down a path of security, commitment and trust to…bickering and tension and friction and constant power struggle? Why is my loving cup always so empty?

So I sit with it, lean into it. Instead of feeding it with food, or alcohol, or television, or conversation, I sit with it. I sit with the sadness, the fear, the loss, the rejection, the failure and the loneliness. I sit with it and I wait, I observe, I love. I don't judge or scold myself. I just sit with it and accept it for what it is.

And then I turn my head forward. I look around at all my great, great friends. I am bathing in gratitude, receiving all the love thrown my way, taking it all in. I am listening to music, being good to myself, treating, indulging, breathing in and out and taking new, slow, tentative steps in a direction that scares the crap out of me and exhilarates me all at the same time. I am surrounding myself with people who push the limits of my comfort zone on a daily basis and believe in me and see all the potential in me that I only started seeing for myself.

I am daring to dream again…to audaciously make choices and decisions that make my heart sing, skip a beat, beat faster….that turn my stomach into a blended drink. And in the midst of all the forward motion, this chaos, this intense energy, this higher vibration, I am learning to ground myself, to breath deeply, to carve out a sense of security, a sense of myself. I am learning to accept, to surrender, to feel the undesirable feelings, to receive goodness and love and to stop apologizing for my choices, for my body, for who I am becoming. I am 35. I am learning and practicing to be giving, to love freely and be generous with grace. I am learning to think the best of people and see the good in them instead of clutching onto fear and hate and lack. I am growing up, growing out, expanding, daring, reeling, crying for change, letting go, making bold choices and endeavoring to live a big and audacious, scary, exhilarating, life. I deserve this life, these riches, this power, and I accept it now.

I am 35 and I am beginning the new. This is the song of myself.